


Director Fury : User Maintenance Guide

by FreakinMi



Series: Marvel User Guides [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, User guide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 15:42:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3255296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreakinMi/pseuds/FreakinMi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thank you for purchasing the exclusive Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit of the ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Exclusives 2014’ series from Marvel. Your order will arrive 3-4 weeks after payment has been verified. Please take the time to read and follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the most out of your product.</p>
<p>A parody user guide</p>
            </blockquote>





	Director Fury : User Maintenance Guide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fandancer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandancer/gifts).



> Third installation in the user maintenance guides. The style is completely stolen from another story, which had stolen it from one in turn. But no matter, it's all just a bit of fun! Sadly not beta'd and English is not my native tongue, forgive the typos and errors!
> 
> Requested by Fandancer. I don't know too much about our dear Director, but I hope this lives up to your expectations :) 
> 
> Enjoy the manual!

**Director Fury : User Maintenance Guide**

Thank you for purchasing the exclusive Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit of the ‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Exclusives 2014’ series from Marvel. Your order will arrive 3-4 weeks after payment has been verified.

 

Please take the time to read and follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the most out of your product.

 

 

**BASIC INFORMATION:**

Name: Nicholas Fury (Answers to Director Fury, Fury and occasionally accepts One-Eyed Eagle)

Origin: Earth, Human (American)

Height:  6'2"  / 188cm

Weight:  231lbs / 105kg

Eye color: Brown

Hair color: Clean shaven (NOT bald!)

 

 

**YOUR Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ COMES WITH THE FOLLOWING :**

\- Black eye-patch, S.H.I.E.L.D. Commander uniform & always-moving-even-without-wind coat

\- Old-fashioned razor shaving kit (also for head hair)

\- Level 10 S.H.I.E.L.D. ID card

\- Blackmail material on you and all important people in your life

\- A hobo hat and sweatshirt for feigned retirement periods

 

_The special edition Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit (Only available for ages 18 and up)  also comes with:_

\- Expanded language vocabulary (swearing;  esp. excessive use of the words 'motherfucker/motherfucking')

 

 

  **HOW TO INSTALL YOUR Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ UNIT:**

After receiving your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit by mail unpack him and place him in the room you have assigned for him.

 

Please note that the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit requires a room with no windows and none of your personal or family affects, it must be as boring as it can possibly be. He does require a secure and high-speed internet connection, functional bed and a secure lock on the door. Do not worry however, he has been programmed to believe any connection in your home is ultimately secure. He will probably require a few items that you aren't legally able to get your hands on as well, and so he will find other means to equip his quarters and requires only the bare minimum.

 

You may in fact, should you want to, opt to house him in something as basic as a cargo container in your backyard, as long as it is secure and has power.

 

it is quite possible that the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will claim other rooms as his own in case workload gets high and he needs a meeting office or other such things. Indulge him while it lasts, he will give the room back to you once the current mission is over with (usually).

 

DO NOT touch or try to unpack any of the items your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is shipped with. He will know his equipment has been tampered with by outsiders and he will order new ones at your expense.  If any items are missing at the time of arrival the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will file in a complaint with us himself.

 

 Once he has been unpacked he will awaken within a few hours. He will automatically register the place he wakes up at as his home and base of operation. There is no use for further calibration or installations as your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit has already been preinstalled with (American) English as well as your local language package.

 

He will spend the first few hours setting things up how he likes them, securing his weapons and making sure  the eye patch has been polished before he will inspect the surroundings including introducing himself to you. Note that he has been given your personal file beforehand and will know all about you (and whomever you may live with) that is available via the internet (at times through not so legal means).

 

 

**THE Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ UNIT'S MODES:**

_I've-had-it-with-you-@£¤%-idiots-mode_ : This is the default mode for your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit and also the mode that it will shift into whenever one of the other modes expires their maximum use time. In this mode the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will plot and execute plans from the shadows to keep the world safe. You may not see much to your unit while he is in this mode, as he will be very busy, however a few times every day you can expect him to show up in common areas of your household to sigh and complain about imbeciles. The more you can assist him in everything that needs doing, the more you will be included in everything that goes on in the shadows. This is the best mode for bonding in a way that makes the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit respect you deeply.

 

_Obsessive-@£¤%-boy-band-collector-mode_ : This mode offers a Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit that (almost) constantly utters the phrase "Have you heard about the Avenger Initiative?" whenever he encounters a new Avengers unit, and possibly also to random strangers that he finds interesting. In this mode the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit can be compared to a crazed toy collector, desperately trying to complete his collection by browsing stores and strees. This mode is recommended for any meetings with the Avengers units in your neighborhood, as the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will be more likely to overlook any slights the Avenger units may show in the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit's company. You will definitely want to support your unit in this huge collector project, as it will gain you huge approval and you may come across a lot of interesting unit interaction.  

 

_@£¤%-hobo-life-mode_ : In this mode your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will neglect his usual S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform and instead hang around in his hobo outfit. Do not expect, however, that he will be lazy or okay with living in a cardboard box on the street. While he may seem unassuming as he snacks on donuts, watches TV, makes burn barrels (outside), takes walks in the park and is generally 'low-profile', he is anything but. Expect your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit to return from this mode with a lot of new plans that needs to be carried out as soon as possible.  This mode is great for winding down an overworked Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit, and as such your unit may switch to this mode on his own should it be needed.

 

_@£¤%-mother-hen-mode:_ This mode is perfect for anyone looking to have that protective big brother or father hovering by their side all day, because this is exactly what the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will do.  For a time you will be the most important thing of all for your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit and he will forego any S.H.I.E.L.D. missions and meetings for as long as this mode lasts - which is usually from a few hours to a few days. While in this mode you can expect your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit to intercept any trouble coming your way and eliminating it before you even notice it, perfect for handling parents, teachers, bosses and catcallers. He will also stare at you fondly and praise you plenty, at times perhaps even pat your head lightly and tell you that you've been a good girl or boy.

 

 

 

**NOTEABLE COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS OF THE S.H.I.E.L.D. EXCLUSIVES 2014 SERIES**

_The Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is a unique unit as it has history with almost all our other units. Because of this you can expect interesting results from almost any other unit interacting with it, but to elaborate on what you can expect, we’ve listed the units the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit  has the most interesting results with._

True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™: The Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit has a strange kind of affection for this unit and will support and protect it at all costs (without coddling it). The honest and truly good nature of the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit has impressed the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit so much, that it will call upon it for mission walkthroughs, de-briefing and planning. This unit is what comes the closest to a true friend to your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit.

 

Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™:  This is one of the very few Avengers units that the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit actually "likes". Given that the Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™ unit has a background as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent before becoming an Avenger, this is also one of the few units your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit trusts. Their relationship will be mostly like an employee and a valued boss, but at times you may even see traits of the _@£¤%-mother-hen-mode_ towards the little archer unit.

 

Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™:  Your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit highly values this unit and respects her for both her very specific skill set and her will to survive what most would wish to not live through. Most of the time the interaction between these two units will be highly professional and impersonal, to the point. Contrary to the  Damn Fine Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™ unit, the Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ unit will not take kindly to the _@£¤%-mother-hen-mode_ , and it is not recommended to force such an interaction. _@£¤%-hobo-life-mode_ however may result in the Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ joining in on the burn barrel building and laid back outfits.

 

Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™: Your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit has a very complicated relation with this unit, ranging from supportive to downright having a hissy fit as the Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™ unit tends to be very sarcastic and provoking. It is highly recommended to keep your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit in _Obsessive-@£¤%-boy-band-collector-mode_ while meeting with this unit, so they don't end up trying to kill each other.

 

Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™:  While your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will be very friendly towards this unit, the Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit may be a little more reserved in his opinion of your unit. They interact as one commander to another, both merely taking care of what they perceive as the best interest of the people around them. While they respect each other for this part, your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit may get frustrated that this unit likes to take tasks on head first instead of sticking to the more secretive solutions.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE ON ALL AVENGER UNITS

As mentioned previously, your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is as happy with all the Avengers units  as he is unhappy. It's a very complicated relationship and everything mostly depends on the mission at hand. Usually they come to an accord that both parties can accept, but you may have to deal with a lot of grumbling and hissy fits during the negotiation period.

 

SPECIAL NOTE ON ALL S.H.I.E.L.D. UNITS

Overall all S.H.I.E.L.D. units will blindly obey orders from your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit, and as such your unit will have a peaceful relationship with all of them. Despite being sort of emotionally stunted, the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is actually very beloved amongst all of the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

SPECIAL NOTE ON ALL VILLIAN NOTES

Given the nature of the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit, you can never expect a positive outcome between it and a villain unit of any series. Except for all the glorious banter after the villain has been incarcerated, of course.

 

 

**MAINTENANCE:**

Since the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is actually quite paranoid, it prefers to create all of its meals itself until you have been established as a trusted food source. After this the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit will come to expect food at precisely 5.30, 11.30 and 20.00 (he works in military time, there is no am or pm in a day, only 0-2400 hours).

 

Despite being one of the 'oldest' units in our repertoire, the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is perfectly capable of handling all his sanitary needs without assistance, including shaving that lovely orb of his, but extended time for toilet breaks should be expected. If you aim to please, you may wish to keep a 'funny toilet humor' book in the bathroom.  

 

As with most of our S.H.I.E.L.D. units, the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit does not require much from you in form of entertainment or any kind of upkeep, but if you wish to keep him happy you should show your support in him maintaining his S.H.I.E.L.D. related business, politely accept and agree with him on politicians being inept, the world being insane and the avengers a bunch of undisciplined teenagers. Sharing this point of view may be a good way to start a friendly relationship with the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit.

 

 

**THINGS NOT TO DO WITH YOUR Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™UNIT:**

Never ever even think about trying to get into his personal room. This will be off limits for anyone but the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit itself. Any attempt at forcing entry may end violently or with you send to a glass prison until you've learned your lesson (magazines will be provided upon request).

 

As the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is not entirely young, he may at times take power naps wherever he pleases. It is of uttermost importance that you never succumb to the urge to draw 'funny' pictures on his person, and especially not on the eye-patch! He can and will use his blackmail material against you in most horrible ways, and if you are still going to any kind of school , he may influence or even infiltrate whomever is in charge of grading you.

 

If you're lucky enough to land a job as his assistant during a meeting, don't ever (try to) embarrass him in it. The Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is very big on the whole authority figure thing and you undermining him will negatively influence your relationship. Never, ever, laugh at a joke make by one of the Avengers at the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit's expense. However feel free to stare at them like they are being childish.

 

Never say anything bad about the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit while the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is within hearing distance. Just don't. You won't like the result.

 

 

**FAQ & TROUBLESHOOTING:**

Q: Uhm, my Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is missing, there's blood on the floor and walls. Should I assume he is dead in a ditch?  
A: Not to worry, the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit does this thing often. Usually it is a ruse to make his enemies think he has been slain while he is merely hiding. He will reveal himself again within a few days.

 

Q: There's a bunch of suits hanging around my home like they own it, who are they and how do I get rid of them?  
A: Congratulations! Your humble abode has been upgraded to HQ, you can expect many more to settle in and you might want to stock a huge amount of coffee and donuts. Do not worry however, these units all belong to other people nearby, they will be notified about their units' location and will come to collect them for "secret missions" within a few days.

 

Q: My Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit spends a lot of time talking to the TV, is this normal?  
A: Yes, completely. You may note that the screen sometimes even features an old white man talking back to him.

 

Q: Should I be worried? A few moments ago my Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit handed me a file with my name on it and told me 'we have to talk', I'm scared!  
A: Do not worry. He is either going to suggest you improve a few points he is unsatisfied with (e.g. if you tend to behave childishly or never take responsibility), but you may also have proven yourself worthy for an actual interview, and may soon find yourself enrolled in the exclusive Honorary S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent program. In case of the latter, congratulations!

 

Q: Whenever the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit and I have a conversation, he tends to turn his back to me and stare out the window or into a wall, does he not like me?  
A: The Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit just really likes to seem imposing, you'll please him if you indulge him.

 

Q: So, my backyard has sort of turned into a prison of some sort, there's these human sized cages stored together and I even think he's keeping people in them!  
A: The Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit's single goal in life is to keep humanity safe, for his reason he will need to lock away the bad guys. You don't have to worry however, the villain units always have a man on the inside that will let them out within 48 hours so that they may return to their respective owners to make new schemes.

 

**WARRANTIES:**

While your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit is not invincible it is very unlikely that it will ever come to such great harm that it cannot be fixed back up good as new. Should your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit  happen to be gravely hurt, most parts can be replaced. Please note the unit is already sporting an arm that is not his own original one.

No refunds are given on any of our units, but if you are unhappy with your purchase you may return your Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ to us permanently and purchase a different unit that may be more to your liking. We always recommend easily manageable units like the True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ or Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit.

**Author's Note:**

> I always enjoy answering further questions "in character", if they are worded as if you were a buyer!  
> Feel free to request other user guides as well, as long as they are from the MCU (as I don't really read the comics).


End file.
